Talk about “undying school loyalty!”

“Collegiate Memorials at http://www.collegiatememorials.com is the first company in the United States to license a comprehensive line of college and university insignia memorial products. A family owned business striving to provide tasteful personalization to a unique group that wishes to declare their life interest. That extends to expression of loyalty to their alma maters or to their favorite collegiate sports teams.”

So says the web site of this unique company.  We were wondering just how unique a dead person would have to be to want a casket emblazoned with the “UK” logo as his resting place.  We came to the conclusion that this kind of memorialization would be appropriate in a number of situations.  For example:

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20 “ and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation “Genesis 3:10” .

Revelation 3:20 reads:

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will dine with me.”

Genesis 3:10 reads:

“And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”

Source: ML Brown; Submitted by Memlok

Miss Horn was very overweight, so her doctor finally prescribed a strict regimen, telling her it was the only way to avoid serious health problems in he future.

“I want you to eat normally for a day, then skip a day, drinking only water. Repeat this three times, and by the time I see you next Thursday you’ll have lost at least 6 pounds.”

The patient promised to obey, and when she showed up for her next appointment he next week, she was almost 15 pounds lighter.

“Excellent progress, Miss Horn!” enthused the doctor.  “And you lost all his weight simply by following my instructions?”

Miss Horn nodded.  “It wasn’t easy, though, Doctor,” she admitted. “On the third day I felt like I was about to die!”

“From hunger, huh?”

“No, no!” she replied, “From skipping.”

Source: ML Brown; Submitted by Memlok

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

Source: Memlok

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”

Source: Memlok

Channeling Neville Chamberlain

North Korea promises US that if we take any action, it will prompt World War III.

Remember in 1994 when Jimmy Carter came back from North Korea and declared, “We have peace in our time?”

O.K., but wat about the deputy??

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, “Just three gunnysacks.”

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, “Bow-wow”, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, “Meow”, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, “Potatoes”.

Source: Just Joking

Your guess—Backwoods or Urban Public School Educated. . . .

Dear Billy Joe Bob,

I’m writting this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven’t seen it since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt

Source: Lovely Rita

Flying High In St. Peter’s Friendly Skies

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself.

“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children.”

The last guy replies. “I would like to hear them say.... HEY LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!

Source: Lovely Rita

Flag Banning. . . .

The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled recently that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional because it mentions God.

Circuit Judge Alfred T. Goodwin said leading schoolchildren in a pledge that says the United States is “one nation under God” is as objectionable as making them say “we are a nation `under Jesus,’ a nation `under Vishnu,’ a nation `under Zeus,’ or a nation `under no god,’ because none of these professions can be neutral with respect to religion.”

The decision was met with widespread criticism. [Duh.]

Smiley Guy gets what’s comming to him. . .

I’ve had a real time trying to explain to a co-worker why there are traffic laws.... And why I hang onto every fixed object in the car for dear life. One of my most frequent expressions when she’s driving us to a job is “Aieeee!” This graphic was sent to us by another co-worker familiar with my bouts of driverphobia.

Enjoy!