TeleJoke

John Kerry vows to kill Al-Quaida with kindness

(TELEJOKE Phoenix, AZ) Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry today answered criticism about his vow to wage a “more sensitive war” by explaining that it would be better to kill Al-Quaida with kindness than to make them mad at us.

Military planners on the Kerry campaign staff have revealed that Kerry’s “secret plan” includes massive teddybear bombings over hot spots like Najaf where the current Commander-In-Chief has presided over a violent clash with Iraqi insurgents. A Kerry campaign source, speaking on condition of annonymity said, “Teddybears are so cute, soft and cuddly, that the heart of even the most hard core terrorist will simply melt when the skies over Baghdad are raining teddies.”

A Bush campaign spokesman criticized the Kerry plan as a crass attempt to win votes from Vermont where the popular Vermont Teddybear Company makes its headquarters. “This is just a cheap political trick,” the spokesman responded, “even Kerry knows his plan would amount to nothing but shredded teddy fluff.” The Bush campaign doesn’t believe it is possible to have a “sensitive war” with Al-Quaida. A highly placed source pointed out that Al-Quaida does have a reputation for beheading its opponents. “It’s awfully hard to hug someone who’s taking a sword to your neck,” the source observed.

Kerry’s call for a kinder, gentler war has energized Democrats across the country who are bringing teddybears to Kerry rallies.  “It’s so inspiring,” said Buffy Nearbright, a Democratic activist from Southern California, “we all, like, hold hands, you know, and sing the campaign theme song and stuff, and you know, like, feel good about terrorists.  There just people, after all.” Nearbright was among a crowd of teary-eyed supporters greeting Kerry on his train tour with strains of “Kumbyah”, the new campaign theme song.

TELEJOKE News Service