http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/index/ en webmaster@telejoke.com Copyright 2007 2007-07-10T12:15:00-05:00 http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/who_we_are/ http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/who_we_are/#When:12:15:00Z Humor is serious stuff... Our goal is to be come the resource of choice for clean humor on the Internet.  Founded in 2003, Telejoke took an extended break after the 2004 presidential election.  Telejoke is not associated with Alan Ray, though he did publish a radio tip sheet called “Telejoke” many years ago.  He graciously allowed us to continue using the name when we told him the site was scheduled to re-launch in the Summer of 2007. The Telejoke vision was originally focused on serving pastors, speakers and people in Christian radio.  It was later expanded to include service to the general public.  We try to avoid things like “under construction” signs throughout our Website.  However, you will see signs of ongoing rennovation as we change the look and feel of the site. Where is Telejoke for Pastors and Radio Telejoke? These features will be reactivated soon if all goes according to plan.  The service will also include the “Lamb-O-Gram” newsletter for pastors and “Liner Notes” section for radio.  Stay tuned! About Us 2007-07-10T12:15:00-05:00 http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/duck_food/ http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/duck_food/#When:03:03:00Z More Quackery.... A duck walks into a pet store and asked the owner if he sold “duck-food” here. ?The owner said; “no, I don’t sell duck food here”. ? The next day the duck went back to the same pet store, and asked the owner again if he sold “duck-food” here. ?The owner became very angry and said; “if you ask me for “duck-food” one more time, I am going to nail your web feet to the floor!” ? The duck came back on the third day and asked the owner of the pet store; “do you any hammer and nails here?” The owner answered; “no, I don’t have any hammer and nails here”. ?The duck then asked; “do you sell any “duck-food” here”? Fun With Pets 2004-12-30T03:03:00-05:00 http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/a_kinder_gentler_war/ http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/a_kinder_gentler_war/#When:14:00:16Z John Kerry vows to kill Al-Quaida with kindness (TELEJOKE Phoenix, AZ) Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry today answered criticism about his vow to wage a “more sensitive war” by explaining that it would be better to kill Al-Quaida with kindness than to make them mad at us. Military planners on the Kerry campaign staff have revealed that Kerry’s “secret plan” includes massive teddybear bombings over hot spots like Najaf where the current Commander-In-Chief has presided over a violent clash with Iraqi insurgents. A Kerry campaign source, speaking on condition of annonymity said, “Teddybears are so cute, soft and cuddly, that the heart of even the most hard core terrorist will simply melt when the skies over Baghdad are raining teddies.” A Bush campaign spokesman criticized the Kerry plan as a crass attempt to win votes from Vermont where the popular Vermont Teddybear Company makes its headquarters. “This is just a cheap political trick,” the spokesman responded, “even Kerry knows his plan would amount to nothing but shredded teddy fluff.” The Bush campaign doesn’t believe it is possible to have a “sensitive war” with Al-Quaida. A highly placed source pointed out that Al-Quaida does have a reputation for beheading its opponents. “It’s awfully hard to hug someone who’s taking a sword to your neck,” the source observed. Kerry’s call for a kinder, gentler war has energized Democrats across the country who are bringing teddybears to Kerry rallies.  “It’s so inspiring,” said Buffy Nearbright, a Democratic activist from Southern California, “we all, like, hold hands, you know, and sing the campaign theme song and stuff, and you know, like, feel good about terrorists.  There just people, after all.” Nearbright was among a crowd of teary-eyed supporters greeting Kerry on his train tour with strains of “Kumbyah”, the new campaign theme song. TELEJOKE News Service Politics 2004-08-12T14:00:16-05:00 http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/senator_kerry_lashes_out_at_god/ http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/senator_kerry_lashes_out_at_god/#When:14:15:00Z F*L*A*S*H From TELEJOKE News Service: KERRY RIPS GOD FOR UNSUBSTANTIATED “SIN” CLAIMS ...Says He Could Resolve Sin More Effectively... (TELEJOKE Grand Canyon) Senator John Kerry, campaigning at the Grand Canyon yesterday lashed out at God claiming the Diety’s assertion that “all have sinned” was arrogant and premature, and lacked the diplomacy necessary to effectively redeem the world.  “How can God accuse everyday people of falling short of His glory? Doesn’t He know I served in Vietnam?,” Kerry asked, implying that being omnicient created a sense of self-importance in the Creator. Asked how he would deal with sin, Kerry chafed. “First of all, the assumption that there is sin at all has not been borne out by facts. If there were sin—and I’m not saying that there is only because my opponent… I mean, only because God says there is—I would certainly deal with it more effectively. Kerry reminded the media covering his appearance at the Grand Canyon that it is immoral to sacrifice one’s son to a cause that has not been proven. “I think it would be more prudent to deny sin exists while taxing it. But only rich sinners should be taxed—that is only if they actually sin, which I’m not saying they do,” The Senator’s comments bring to the surface yet again the issue of the role religion should play in America’s body politic. Sources close to the Kerry campaign confide that Mr. Kerry takes great offense at Jesus’ claims to be “the Way, the Truth, and the Life,” noting that the Senator’s four months in Vietnam makes him far more qualified to be savior of the world. HIGHER AMBITIONS? Kerry’s comments in an unguarded moment seem to provide clues that his ambitions go far beyond the presidency of the United States. Shortly after the outburst, Kerry’s press team scrambled to explain that he was not seeking any higher office than president of the U.S., although he has been considering a run for president of the European Union or possibly a reorganized U.N. after serving four terms as chief executive in the United States. REPEALING THE 22nd AMENDMENT? Sources say, Kerry’s goal of serving four terms is being explored by a team of 5,000 lawyers headed up by John Edwards. “Senator Edwards believes he can find some precedent in tort law that would allow the president to sue to have the 22nd amendment repealed as unconstitutional,” a source told TELEJOKE on condition of anonymity.  “We’re certain at least four judges on the Supreme Court believe the amendment is unconstitutional, and Mr. Edwards believes he can channel the spirit of Stonewall Jackson in an appeal that could tip the court in favor of the repeal.” Overturning parts of the constitution as unconstitutional is not unprecedented.  The sources cite recent rulings of the court that have rendered almost all of the protections of the 1st Amendment moot—and it’s fanatical right-wing supporters mute.  “We could be electing a king, if the tort lawyers have anything to do with it.” The source indicated that Kerry will limit his term to four years as part of his agreement with Edwards to get the 22nd amendment overturned on appeal.  “Look,” said a source close to Edwards, “we succeeded in getting campaign finance reform through—now only George Sorros and the media have full and unfettered freedom of speech as the election draws near.” Other efforts at getting the 1st Amendment overturned as unconstitutional include the successfull outlawing of public displays of the Ten Commandments. God has not responded to the outlawing of His word—or to Kerry’s assertions that he could do God’s job better.  He plans to make a statement in early November. -Developing- TELEJOKE News Service Politics 2004-08-10T14:15:00-05:00 http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/strange_voices/ http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/strange_voices/#When:02:56:20Z When we were visiting the library recently, a voice came over the public address system. “The library will be closing in 23 minutes,” the voice informed us, “please bring your materials to the checkout desk now.” My son, Joe, sensing the urgency in the PA announcer’s voice, said, “Mom, we have to check out now.” “I’m looking for a book.  We’ll go in a minute,” I replied. “But Mom....” Joe sputtered, “it said we have to go now!” His older brother John reminded him, “Joe, you’re supposed to obey your mother, not the voice in the ceiling.” Submitted by Lynn Silva Life At Home 2004-04-02T02:56:20-05:00 http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/sunday_morning_at_the_improv_from_mischief_from_the_back_pew/ http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/sunday_morning_at_the_improv_from_mischief_from_the_back_pew/#When:19:23:27Z Additional reviews of Mischief from the Back Pew Sometimes we like to sit down with our dad and discuss the differences between our careers. He is a pastor. We are comedians/humorists (Jedd at major comedy clubs nationwide, Todd at car wash openings and “celebrity roasts” for assistant managers at local fast-food outlets). Dad tells us that he sometimes envies the comedy club atmosphere—the energy, and the fact that you usually get lots of free popcorn. He’s often fantasized about showing up for open-mike night at a comedy club, billed as “The Reverend of Revelry” or “The Vicar of Snickers.” Dad’s fantasy got us wondering: What would church be like if it were run like a comedy club? ... [Booming voice of head deacon/elder] “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Buffalo Baptist Church! Please keep your pew conversations low and your spirituality high, because it’s time to be holy and happy! (And please observe the two-offering minimum.) “You all know our feature act for this morning. You’ve seen him at Wednesday Night Bible Study and the weekly Elders’ Meeting. And you’ve probably seen him mowing the church lawn in sandals, black socks, and powder-blue polyester shorts. Let’s give it up for The Minister of Mirth—The Reverend Dellllll Haaaaaaa-fer!” [Rocking intro music by organist] “Helloooooo, Buffalo! How is everybody doing this morning? Let me tell you, it’s good to be here. And hey, let’s give it up for Florence “Backbeat” Schneider on the organ! By the way, Florence, Elton John called. He wants his suit back! Hey, just kiddin’, Flo! I love ya! Wow, it’s great to see my four sons in the congregation today. And to think that some pastors have only ONE pair of loafers! “Okay, then. Enough about the usual suspects. Any people here from out of town? “You all know our feature act for this morning. You’ve seen him mowing the church lawn in sandals, black socks, and powder-blue polyester shorts.” “Great—the family in the front row. Where are you folks from? Texas, eh. Well, let me make you feel at home: Burrrrrrp! [loud belch] Nah, really, I’m just kidding. It’s great to have you here. You know, I just got back in town myself. I was at a district meeting for the Northwestern Baptist Convention. Boy, talk about a room full of stiffs! At first I thought I’d made a mistake and gone to the Arthritis Convention! Let me tell you, these people make Al Gore look like Little Richard! “It was interesting, though—there was another convention in town the same week. It was a gathering of the Christian Men Without Thumbs. Anyway, they took a vote and everyone agreed—Amy Grant is definitely an ‘8.’ “Hey, are you people awake? [pounds on mike] Is this thing on? Are you an audience or an oil painting? Ha-ha-ha! Don’t make me come down there and ‘smite thee’! Anyway, I’ve been reading my Bible, and how about those Israelites, huh? You know why they wandered for forty years in the wilderness? All the men were too stubborn to stop and ask for directions! Am I right, ladies? Can I get a witness? And speaking of Israelites, that Moses was an interesting character, wasn’t he? I can just imagine him arguing with his wife: ‘Honey, why must I make all the sacrifices in this family?’ “Hey, look, I see a family just sliding into the back pew. Can I get you folks anything ... like a watch?! “I have to tell you, I love this church. It’s a lot better than the one I grew up in. What a strict, fear-filled church. They had a sign on their lawn that said ‘BEWARE OF GOD.’ You want to talk uptight? The stair railings were made of OVER-wrought iron! And those people believed in giving till it hurts. Unfortunately for our pastor, they had a very low pain tolerance. Oh, somebody stop me! “Hey, you’ve been great! But I see it’s almost time for the elders’ meeting. You don’t want to cross those guys. They make Clint Eastwood look like Mister Rogers. This is a group of guys who never saw a horse so dead that it didn’t deserve one more good beating! Ha! Just kidding. I love you guys. Really. Thanks for helping me make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was back in 1968! “So, anyway, you’ve been a great congregation—thank you very much! Remember, I’m here every weekend—two shows, 8:30 and 11 a.m. Okay, I’m outta here! Good morning, everybody!” ------------------------------------------------ Excerpted from: Mischief from the Back Pew Copyright © 2003, Todd & Jedd Hafer ISBN: 0764228005 Published by Bethany House Publishers Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited. 2003-09-30T19:23:27-05:00 http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/you_just_so_bad/ http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/you_just_so_bad/#When:15:48:20Z "Mommy, I’m trying not to be bad, but bad is too much fun” -- a 5 year old’s perspective. Life At Home 2003-08-14T15:48:20-05:00 http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/oops/ http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/oops/#When:22:12:52Z Movies are moving...when the producers get it right! Movie: Forrest Gump (1994) Scene: In a sequence set around 1970, someone is shown reading a copy of USA Today. Blooper: The newspaper wasn’t created until 1982 Movie: Camelot (1967) Scene: King Arthur (Richard Harris) expounds on the joys of his mythical kingdom. Blooper: The 6th century king has a 20th-century Band-Aid on the back of his neck. Movie: Wild Wild West (1999) Scene: After thwarting the plans of the evil Loveless (Kenneth Branagh), Jim West (Will Smith) and Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline) ride off into the sunset heading back to Washington, D. C. Blooper: A romantic notion, but impossible: Washington is in the east and the sun sets in the west. From Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader 14th Edition Just For Fun 2003-04-29T22:12:52-05:00 http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/famous_mom_quotes/ http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/famous_mom_quotes/#When:04:41:10Z HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo! MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling? NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it! CUSTER’S MOTHER: Now, George, remember what I told you—don’t go biting off more than you can chew! ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids? ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...? GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye! JONAH’S MOTHER: That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days. SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths? THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed! from Parenting Funnies Submitted by MemLok Life At Home 2003-04-29T04:41:10-05:00 http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/ageless_wisdom/ http://telejoke.com/index.php/site/ageless_wisdom/#When:04:04:02Z You may be older… but are you wiser? Now that I’m ‘older’ (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered: 1.  I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2.  My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3.  I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.. 4.  Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.... 4.  Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.... 5.  All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 6.  If all is not lost, where is it? 7.  It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8.  Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant. 9.  I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few… 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 16. It’s not hard to meet expenses.... they’re everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter..... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after. 19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE POSTED THIS TO TELEJOKE.COM OR NOT! 20. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.... Life At Home 2003-04-29T04:04:02-05:00